What does an adult relationship even mean?
I’ve always tried to find meaning in everything I do. My upbringing wired me to always question everything and to analyse it. And I think I am not wrong when I blame my Dad for hardwiring the need to always have an objective in everything. This king of a thoughtful living apparently helps you stay alert and prepared. I cannot disagree. For the most part I have been fairly successful and no doubt this attitude towards life helps me stay focussed.
When you start questioning everything you do throughout your day you automatically end up dropping things that will not give substantial results. Which is not to say one should not try things. What it does mean is that one should be able to attach a beginning and an ending to everything. An objective and a goal. This linear process of though have always made life easier for me.
On the other hand, somehow I have really poor emotional quotient and I almost always blame it on the fact that social interactions are never linear. Moreover, sometimes I honestly get this feeling that most human interaction is useless and human relationships are unnecessary. Like does attraction and interaction have any meaning to it? Why would anybody want to be dependent on somebody else and not themselves. Why would anyone want to be vulnerable?
I could write an entire book on my sceptical questions about relationships! And not just romantic relationships just any human interaction. I’ve read countless articles trying to justify the same and I do believe reading opinions on Medium has helped me reach a conclusion to a large extent. However, I still prefer keeping a small group of super close friends and on regular terms with just my close family.
Recently while having a conversation with a friend we ended up discussing the lives of her roommate. Specifically their romantic escapades. This roommate is dating the human version of a toilet quite literally. Untidy, sloppy, smelly. And if that isn’t enough absolutely lacking any social convention and clingy. Despite our best efforts to convince them to leave their partner they seem to hold on for no apparent reason. To me it always seems very weird. A super co-dependent relationship where they believe they complete each other even though only one is obviously carrying the ship and can easily do better. This is how they justify it, one wants a strong female figure in their life and the other is afraid of being lonely. So while they may not be the best possible options they’re too comfortable to rock things up and look for change.
This to me is unforgivable. How can people be willing to settle for something less when something better is definitely out there? While this might not necessarily apply to relationships as that would necessarily imply an objectification of the significant other. Again an inexperience with romantic relationships can be blamed for this. How can one comply with stagnation? I can’t help but look down upon their relationship as purposeless and unfulfilling where they both hold each other back. Why would one indulge in anything that limits them?
This is just an example I relate to today. Look around everywhere and I simply cannot understand why people hold themselves back, act in a way that they wouldn’t necessarily wish to, comply to niceties and sacrifice just for the sake of relationships. Is there no way to not act selfish while engaging in a positive interaction for both the parties and working towards development that benefits everyone involved. A relationship anything other that this seems too bad an idea to invest it. It is fair to say you cannot quantify the gains of a relationship but is it too difficult to attach objectives and goals to it? And no I do not mean relationship goals which are another reason to look down upon all human relationships and the quantification of their strength.
As a school kid I painted a very rosy picture of a relationship. I thought anyone who watched anime, enjoyed reading my favourite fiction, listened to electronic music and in general was my clone would be the perfect person to hangout with. Yet growing up I have a weirdly diverse set of friends and other people I’m close to whose interests could range from the same to polar opposite of mine. Somehow along the way I had the opportunity to bond with some people which I honestly believed benefited me. And they taught me so much and gave me so much mentally and emotionally that I can’t explain it in words.
As an adult after debating and deliberating a lot, I recently formulated a quite simplistic view of what a relationship should be about. The objective of a relationship I believe should be pure unadulterated happiness. And yet you shouldn’t depend on them for being happy. A significant other I believe is one around whom you feel a different kind of happy. Not meaning to objectify them, but the feeling is akin to that of child receiving a lollipop. While his life is full of fun and he can laugh without a care in the world this little happiness is otherworldly for him. I strongly believe it is the same in a healthy relationship. You look forward to being with them and spending time with them. However, your existence does not hinge on them. Happiness is healthy and what better objective to have than emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.
The goal is being the best version of yourself. The relationships I’ve indulged in are solely those in which I felt like myself. I never needed to try to be something I was not. Yet, the goal is to always to improve oneself and in a healthy relationship the opposite number always helps you to develop into a better person. I love it when I can unabashedly be myself. Loud, blunt and slightly prejudiced all while being incredibly quiet and introverted at the same time. It’s amazing how people who actually understand you don’t mind the bads but help you reach a realisation of what is wrong and what is right and where. And yet it doesn’t feel like I’m faking it.
There’s so much more to the entire discussion including how self betterment is our own burden and that is kind of paradoxical to the view I’ve projected and yet it’s amazing how relationships and “relationship advice” is nothing but paradoxical. So while I’m not dishing out advice I’m just trying to make sense out of it for myself.
